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Bomb threat procedure

February 1, 2010

I simply can’t resist passing this on to you. Obviously I cannot reveal my sources, except to say it was NOT from any office I have ever had a connection with. Because that would just be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?No, never ever – not in a million. Nope. Definitely n-o-t.

bomb 

Anyway, read and enjoy. Oh yes, and possibly snigger, too:

 

‘CHECKLIST FOR DEALING WITH A TELEPHONE BOMB THREAT

 Immediately alert the person responsible for security or your manager, but DO NOT PUT DOWN THE HANDSET OR CUT OFF THE CONVERSATION.      Obtain as much information as you can. Complete this form as you go along.

 Time of call……………………………………………………………………………

 Message (write down the exact words)………………………………………………

Code Words………………………………………………………………………….

 What time will it go off……………….. What does it look like…………………….

 What type of bomb is it……………………………………………………………..

 Why are you doing this……………………………………………………………..

 DETAILS OF CALLER:

 Man                                                                                    Old                             

Woman                                                                               Young                        

 SPEECH:

 Intoxicated                                                                         Laughing                    

Rational                                                                              Serious                       

Rambling                                                                            Message Read            

Impediment                                                                        Spontaneous               

Accent (specify)                 …………………….               Disguised                   

OTHER NOISES:

 Traffic                                                                                Railway Station         

Talking                                                                               Music                         

Typing                                                                                Children                     

Machinery                                                                          Other                          

Aircraft                      

As soon as the call has finished, give this form to the person responsible for security or your manager, who will decide what to do.’

Don’t you just love it? Particularly the bit at the end, where you put your life into the hands of your manager and wait calmly for him or her to save your life.

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the traditional way of dealing with a bomb threat. You shout, ‘OMG, it’s a bomb,’ and then you run as fast as your Boden kitten heels will let you. Good luck, everyone!

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  • Rosie Scribble February 1, 2010 at 4:53 am

    Hilarious! I am more likely to swear and panic than take the time to write down exact details of the bomb and whether the caller sounded intoxicated or not!! The other noises: children section made me laugh! Obviously they want to rule out a mad mother on the line!

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:24 am

      Oh, my money is definitely on the mad mother bomber every time. Especially the MMB with PMT …..

  • amy February 1, 2010 at 8:28 am

    lol that sounds exactly like the form we have to fill in at my workplace! i would do the same’ITS A BOMB GET OUUUUUUUUUT!!!’ XX

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:24 am

      I like the way you shouted that, Amy. You can be this blog’s official bomb safety operative from now on 🙂

  • Emma Walton February 1, 2010 at 8:34 am

    I love your blogs – always make me laugh. I hate to think what one of these sheets would say if someone had to fill in one having had a conversation with me at about 3.30pm every day!

    Delighted that you would contemplate trying to run in Boden kitten heels!! Thank you.

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:26 am

      Always happy to help, Emma, and if you’ve got any spare kitten heels you want me to wear, ooops, review, well, you know where to send them 🙂

  • marriedwithfour February 1, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Christ, by the time you had filled the form in, the buggars would have blown you up!

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:27 am

      I know! I think they should add a separate sheet to cover bomb splatter, body parts removed etc (not very good taste but you know what I mean!!)

  • English Mum February 1, 2010 at 8:50 am

    I can’t get that Monty Python sketch out of my head, y’know, the ‘RUN AWAAAAY!, RUN AWAAAAAY!’ one? That’s what I’d be doing…

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:27 am

      Lovely to know you’ll be standing shoulder to shoulder with your colleagues in a crisis, English! xx

  • Metropolitan Mum February 1, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Hahaha. How exactly is this supposed to work?
    ‘Funny accent you have there. Do you mind asking where that’s from?’
    Or:
    ‘Was that a train I just heard in the background? No? Sorry. What were you saying again?’

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:28 am

      I know, it’s beyond bizarre, isn’t it? As though you are going to ask, ‘and are you intoxicated?’ :0

  • Sparx February 1, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    I’ve seen this form!!!!! Or one like it… seriously, yowza.

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:29 am

      Come on now, Sparx, it wasn’t you that wrote it, was it? No, of course not! 🙂

  • Heather February 2, 2010 at 2:06 am

    Wonderful. good to know we are all safe in the hands of those managers who are well versed in dealing with bomb threats and saving lives.

    • Dulwich Divorcee February 2, 2010 at 4:29 am

      It’s a huge relief, isn’t it? Just knowing there is a proper procedure in place makes all the difference …..NOT