Warning: the following post contains a lot of sniggering bathroom references. I’m afraid that, despite my best efforts,  I’ve been powerless to eradicate them all, because, well,  they make me laugh. So here goes.

Regular readers *tee hee* will know that I’m not one for faddy diets. Or diets at all. Frankly, I’m too greedy. But I am interested in keeping the whole family healthy, so when Kelloggs invited me to talk about their new All Bran Challenge, I was raring to go *tee hee*. Of course, the fact that the meeting was at the blissful Sanctuary Spa in Covent Garden, and involved a lot of pampering, didn’t make that decision more difficult.

I didn’t mention to the lovely Kelloggs folk that I had a slight bias against All Bran, as a close family member used to call it All Brown. Quite offputting. But I had no idea how much All Bran had moved on since the grim bowls of my youth. All right, you can still get original All Bran if you want to go hardcore, but for wimps like me, there is All Bran Golden Crunch or All Bran Red Berry Crunch, not to mention flakes, yoghurty flakes ….oh, you get the picture. It’s not All Brown any more.

With the help of Kelloggs’ nutritionists, we really got to the bottom * tee hee * of the benefits of wheat bran, the fibre in All Bran. It is very efficient at carrying things out of your system, mainly as it is pretty indigestible itself and sweeps out lots of stuff which would otherwise be left behind in your 30ft maze of intestines. Bits and bobs can linger (yuck) for up to three days normally. All Bran aims to help get everything moving in a day and a half.

The medical profession made a strong link in the 1930s between constipation and depression, and it’s hard not to feel a bit downcast at the idea of one’s insides being cluttered, like a dirty forgotten cupboard, with lots of stuff that your body really doesn’t need. And, unlike a cupboard, your unhappy gut is prone to all kinds of rumblings and audible announcements of its discontent, not to mention puffing itself up and making you feel blobby and horrid. I’m not going to ramble on about the menopause again but suffice to say that all these things get Much Worse once you hit a certain age. So it was not long before I was merrily agreeing to start the All Bran 5 Day Challenge.

Basically, you eat a bowl of All Bran a day for five days. How hard is that? Well, as I discovered on the train home, not very hard at all. Despite being beautifully fed and watered (champagne and a gorgeous club sandwich) by the Sanctuary and the Covent Garden Hotel (delicious fruit platter), I was absolutely starving on the way back to Blended Towers. So I gnawed open my goody bag box of All Bran Golden Crunch and scooped out a cluster. And another. And another. By the time I got home, I was well and truly started on the challenge.

The rest of the family have now entered the fray. The Red Berry Crunch is scrummy and leaves the milk in the bowl a pale shade of pink – very popular. My only question now to Kelloggs is – can you actually overdose on wheat bran? I’m trying to increase everyone’s water intake, as Kelloggs advise. It’s probably not surprising that I’ve had to order two more boxes of cereal from the Ocado man. And that the downstairs loo has blocked. Ooops. Probably too much information there.

Yum yum yum

My eldest daughter absolutely loves her new school and, much to my relief, is really thriving there. The one thing that drives us both mad, though, is the dress code. She’s in the sixth form, but they don’t have to wear uniform – they are supposed to turn up each day in ‘interview wear’. This is absolutely fine for the boys. They can get a couple of suits, five shirts and even fewer ties, and they’re done for the year. For the girls, though, there is endless, quasi-philosophical questioning to be done. What is an interview, exactly? A good question, as none of them have done a proper interview yet, apart from school interviews, for which they would most probably be wearing school uniform.

So, is it a job interview they are dressing for? I can only imagine it is. But that doesn’t answer the question of what to wear at all. Because we need to know what the job is. Are they dressing to be investment bankers? Art teachers? Creative writers? Language students? For a boy, a suit covers all these and more. For a girl, we’re spiralling into nightmare territory. Clothes say so much about you, and so quickly. At a real, genuine interview, you are summed up in seconds as soon as you walk in through the door, and what you are wearing is a huge factor in the impression you make. A sombre dress can be smart – or it could be downtrodden, depressive, lacking in self esteem. A fuschia blouse could be fun-loving and outgoing – or it could be strident, bossy and rude.

One of my early tips to Child One was to see what others wore and adapt accordingly. But, as we watch the other girls parade through the gates in the morning, I’m rather glad she hasn’t taken my advice too much to heart. One or two of her cohort definitely appear to be auditioning to be lapdancers.

Anyway, it’s all costing us about ten times as much as a uniform, as of course she CAN’T be seen in the same thing twice and she MUST have a whole selection of options. Thank goodness for shops like Uniqlo and New Look. They’ve just brought out some shift dresses which may just save our bacon now the sun is out. Otherwise it would be straight to debtors’ prison for us. Without even an interview.

I’ve always been a fan of Yankee Candle. In case you don’t know the brand, it’s a scented candle range with the volume turned RIGHT UP. You can usually smell a Yankee Candle stand long before you see it. But I like a candle with a bit of feistiness, instead of these wishy-washy overbred numbers that burn sedately for hours without a whiff of scent.

Also, there was a Yankee Candle stand at the English Shop way out in Tervuren when I lived in Brussels. For a long while, I saw no reason to visit the shop. It sold things like Battenburg cake in bright pink and yellow, and copies of mags like Take a Break which seemed to be out of a different era. Eventually, though, as my time abroad stretched from a two-year stint to nearly nine years, I felt the call of things like Tetley tea much more strongly than I ever thought I would. I started to ‘pop’ to the shop – ridiculous, as it was a 40 minute drive away. Then, luckily, Child One’s maths became tangled enough to need a tutor and I found myself driving to Tervuren once a week. The hours she spent on her times tables, with a truly delightful lady who kept chickens and rabbits and was also a maths whizz, was just long enough for me to go and sniff the lovely heady Yankee Candles and even look at the sickly Battenburgs with a surprising amount of nostalgia. Obviously, I bought a lot of candles.

Nowadays, passing a Yankee Candle stand gives me a pang of yearning – for the English shop in Tervuren. Yes, I miss it, even though I only went there as I was missing something else. Go figure.

Anyway, Yankee Candle has a new spring range out, including delights like Summer Scoop ice cream fragrancs and Pineapple Cilantro. If nowhere near you stocks them, you can always buy candles online. It’s perfect for those, like me, who are unlikely to be able to afford an exotic holiday this year. I strongly advise you to sniff them out.

Enough doom and gloom – let’s start the Twixtmas (that’s between Christmas and New Year’s Eve) phase with a bounce. And the best way to achieve a truly springy bounce is via a trampoline. Child One, though now 17 (gulp) still loves to go out and bounce on the trampoline several times a day. It’s a great keep fit aid (not that I would know, I don’t utterly share Child One’s passion) and seems to keep her in perfect trim, despite Lindor chocolate truffles and the rest of the festive temptations that call to us from all sides.

In fact, our trampoline has been so well-loved that, even though it’s relatively new (we bought it when we moved here, about two years ago), one of the springs has worn out. No sooner had Child One come in from the cold and told me this, and no sooner had I started thinking, ‘where on earth can I source a single trampoline spring, surely even the Internet won’t have one of those?’, when an email pinged into my in box. It was a kind lady offering me a trampoline. “Er, don’t need a trampoline, already got one, but I do need a spring,’ I ventured.

‘Absolutely fine, the spring is in the post,’ chirped the kind lady. How marvellous. How serendipitous. How typical of you, said TL. As soon as you need a trampoline spring, one appears. Yes, I know. I’m very lucky. And trampolinesshop.co.uk is a very fine shop indeed. A big thank you to them. And happy bouncing to you.

Happy bouncing

1. Nioessentials. I haven’t been sponsored by them, I bought a bottle of their hand lotion at the school’s Frost Fair and it’s so lovely I think you should know about it. The bottle is a deep blue, like the Neal’s Yard ones, and the lotion smells divine. My girls and I keep it in the car so we can cheer ourselves up with it on the south circular. They do all kinds of other bits and bobs including bath bombs, body lotions and oils. If it’s as good as the hand lotion, it’ll be brilliant. I did promise Pascale, Nioessential’s aromatherapist, that I would follow her on Twitter (she only had two followers, bless) but I lost her card, so I hope she reads this and follows me instead!

2. Arthur Christmas. A new, and no doubt delightfully heart-warming, animated Christmas DVD to keep the kids quiet entertain your little treasures over the festive period. I must confess I left the smaller children to review this and didn’t get much of a synopsis out of them, though both agreed it was excellent in non-specific ways. Justin Bieber sings a song and some great British talent, including James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie, Bill Nighy and Imelda Staunton, do the voices. I have two copies to give to two lucky families, just comment below to enter (UK only, sorry).

3. Ok, this isn’t terribly festive, and probably wouldn’t make a great present (unless you truly hate the person) but it is actually very useful. It’s Hedrin’s new Treat and Go headlice zapper. It’s a non-drip, non-smelly mousse which you leave on the hair all day and rinse off at night. I won’t bother you with the way it kills the lice (suffice to say it’s revolting) but apparently the great thing is that the creatures won’t be able to develop a resistance to it. Ha! That’s what the scientists think. I bet those lousy lice are working on it right now, the sneaky devils. But in the meantime, this sounds as though it works better than anything else on the market. Go for it, and have a scratch-free 2013.

Arthur Christmas - like the slippers

Apparently my girls are the only teenagers in the known universe without bank accounts. They had euro accounts in Brussels, but since coming back to the UK, I’ve been rather busy with getting divorced, moving twice, getting remarried, finding them three schools, redesigning a house and garden and then having a little lie down. They already know they are woefully deprived – Child Two said bitterly to me recently, ‘my Build-a-Bear rabbit didn’t even have a skateboard‘ – but the bank account situation puts them virtually onto the at risk register, as far as they are concerned.

With a sigh, I turned my attention to the matter over half term. Child One was far too busy, as she now has a social life that makes Pippa Middleton look like a Trappist monk (but with a better bum, naturally) so Child Two and I strolled into the nearest bank. After being directed by a member of staff with a clipboard and walkie-talkie, we took a ticket from a deli-style number dispenser and were left to wait. It turned out we were waiting simply to book an appointment. Although (eventually) we were speaking to a real, live, banking advisor, he couldn’t advise us then (why not?) and we had to schedule a meeting for a week’s time. Baffling. We left the bank, and walked straight into the one opposite, where we were signed up in a matter of minutes.

But if only I had known about Nat West’s Pigs by Kids exhibition! Admittedly, Child Two is now too old (it’s for 13-year-olds and under) but otherwise it would have been a joy. Do you remember the family of pigs they used to have? They were cute as buttons when they were first given away, and still pop up regularly on Bargain Hunt. Gorgeous things, and they have a quirky quality that injects joie de vivre even into banking. Well, Nat West are on the prowl for pigs again, but this time as designed by your very own children.

So, if you have a budding Pigcasso or even a Francis Bacon at home, get them sorted out this weekend with some paper and pens and send the result in quickly to the Pigs by Kids website. The competition ends at midnight on Sunday 11th November. Approved drawings will be posted on the Nat West gallery, and three promising piggies will then be modelled by Harry Potter illustrator Cliff Wright. The one that gets the most votes will win and become the new Nat West pig.

This little piggy went banking .....

Sponsored by Nat West

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• There’s an awful lot of Bondage around at the moment. Not Fifty Shades-style – I mean good old James Bond, shaken not stirred etc, dropping in to a screen near you in the new film Skyfall. I saw it yesterday and it is brilliant. But is it just me, or is there more marketing around it than ever before? I’ve seen James Bond nail varnishes in John Lewis (admittedly Live and Let Die is gorgeous), there’s a new 007 aftershave, you can get James’s exact phone and probably his pants too.
  At last, though, I’m bringing you a useful James Bond spin-off, for all those techie teenage geeks you have cluttering up your home. It’s only an apprenticeship to become Q!! Q, as we all know, is the quartermaster at MI-whatever who provides Bond with his exploding pens, watches that cut through steel and other gismos that he wrecks or leaves behind in the bedrooms of beautiful spies like the Chinese-Russian temptress, Mai Pantsarov.
  All joking aside, these British Intelligence apprenticeships are the real thing – two year technical programmes in IT, software, Internet and telecoms, based at GCHQ in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, for the first year, with a salary of around £17,000. The lucky fledgling Qs would be working with MI5 (Security Service) and MI6 (Secret Intelligence Service). They will be working with constantly evolving, cutting edge technology. The idea is to combat cyber threats, terrorism, counter espionage and organised crime. There would be the possibility of London-based placements in the second year, and some of the training is university-delivered. The successful apprentices will leave the programme with a foundation degree and a level 4 diploma in IT Professional Competence – the perfect basis for a career as a real life Q, or even James Bond himself …
  Quite frankly, I’m really tempted to apply myself. It sounds fantastic. The only thing holding me back (apart from vertigo, inertia, a husband, four children and two cats) is a slight lack of the academic qualifications you need. Candidates must have, or be expected to gain by September 2013, three A levels or equivalent in STEM-related subjects. That’s science, technology, engineering, mathematics. I know, I had no idea either.
  If you want to find out more (and who wouldn’t), register for one of the open days in Manchester, London or Cheltenham. Applications will open on 18th October, closing on 30th November 2012. Applicants must be British citizens. GCHQ values diversity and welcomes applicants from all sections of the community.
  

Lovely stuff from Lil-lets

As well as a plethora of period pads, tampons, and liners, including some so tiny we decided they must be for fairies, they very kindly put in some extra goodies. We loved the manicure set from Ciate, called the Caviar Mini Bar. I imagine the idea with this is that it’s so intricate it takes your mind off your period completely, as you sprinkle teeny tiny beads onto your nail varnish through a dinky funnel ….  The Hotel Chocolate brownie bar is a master-stroke, and the leopardskin fake fur hottie looks far too good for teenagers to me ….

Lovely as this set is, though, it did cross my mind that teenagers have a few other distractions that help them to accept the advent of periods. These factors include:

a) Being young

b) Being gorgeous

c) Having their whole lives ahead of them ….

Whereas, for we perimenopausal types, it’s all seriously downhill from here. Surely we are the ones who need a peri-pack to help us get over it all? I’ve had a few thoughts on what it could contain:

a) Every item in the Lil-lets range, as perimenopausal periods seem to go from teen-fairy-style to full-on bloodbath

b) A bottle of gin. Essential, clearly

c) AK47 to cope with month-long PMT

d) Your own bodyweight in chocolate. At last, there’s an upside to menopausal weight gain!

Any other suggestions?

And a huge thank you again to lovely Lil-lets x