Blog Divorce

Excess baggage

August 20, 2009

Yippee, the girls will be back tomorrow!

Not quite such yippee, they are bringing exactly 42kg of dirty washing with them.

Though a smidgeon of clothes washing was achieved at their first holiday stop, all that good work, brought about by constant drilling from me that they might mention to Mr X the concept of the washing machine, without him getting wind of the importance of the issue and going into reverse, they have since moved on to holiday destination number two, where there is no washing machine, and they have worn absolutely everything, they told me cheerfully.

And we are leaving the day after tomorrow for my holiday with the children. Which means that either I turn into a washing whirlwind the moment they get through the door, and resign myself to packing damp or frankly wet stuff that will smell, crease and probably do its damndest to go mouldy, or I accept the fact that I will be loading 42kgs of grubby kit onto a plane, only to have to wash it when I get on ‘holiday’.

The washing frenzy is something I am not much inclined to contemplate; after 14 child-free days, I am in a strange grown-up zone where I think nothing of popping out for an impromptu drink or going to the movies on a week night and without organising a babysitter. I am not in a manic, washing-till-dawn, mode. I am laid back, I am zen.

Well, that’s all a lie. I am, actually, just much too fat to rush around washing, as I have been stuffing peanuts night and day and now resemble nothing so much as one of those lovely bags of flour they used to have on Trumpton (I think) as milled by Windy Miller. There were four little ear-type protuberances, one at each corner of these sacks, which are like my limbs, standing out proud and useless from the enormous, round, peanut-rammed belly. Yum. There’s no way I can get upstairs to hang out the washing, even if I could muster the energy to stuff it into the machine. Which I can’t, so there.

Of course, it’ll all be different when I actually get on holiday, when all my energy will come zipping back. It’ll have to. The cherubs have had a fantastic time, going to sweet factories, kayaking, frolicking in Tuscan vineyards and the like. I shall have to get off my peanut-engorged arse and show them a good time if it kills me. Not that Mr X and I are in mortal combat over who gives the best holiday, or anything. Much. Actually, I really am thrilled that he’s found them some great things to do, even though it sets the bar so high I can barely see over it.

Anyway, think of me on Saturday, when the nice BA check-in girl will ask me at Heathrow if I packed all the bags myself and if I have any toxic substances to declare. No, I didn’t pack the offsprings’ bags and, frankly, I wouldn’t want to handle any of the contents even with tongs. And I certainly have no toxic substances to declare – oh, unless you count the 28 pairs of rancid socks, of course.

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  • Insomniac Mummy August 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I'd have to do the washing before I went. My soul would be destroyed by the thought of washing on holiday!

    Going out whenever you want sounds like absolute bliss. Sigh.

    Have a brilliant holiday!


  • Chic Mama August 20, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Oh it sounds as though you've had a great couple of weeks 'off' How strange it will be when the children return. Fantastic timing though, holiday with them to end the holidays. Have a wonderful time.

  • rosiero August 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Hilarious. Have you considered paper knickers and cheap Primark T-shirts you can throw away afterwards? Hope you have a lovely holiday.

  • Suburbia August 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    I am enjoying my last child free days. I have put on about half a stone, and that is mostly through chocolate and alcohol!
    Mine are back Sunday plus washing obviously! Luckily I holidayed with them first, however I feel very competitive about which holiday actually *was* the most fun!! Help, there will be years left of this to come!

    Where are you off to? (not that I'm comparing of course!!!)

    Hope you have a brilliant time with them

    Sx 🙂

  • family affairs August 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    I am so with you on this one…nightmare. Although as I said in one of my last posts, my ex after nearly 5 years actually offered to wash the clothes before dropping them back!!! Complete result. Lx

  • mumplustwo August 20, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Your post has made me smile!

    Got back from my Malta hol on Fri night, then stayed up almost entire night washing/drying daughters' clothes (leaving first thing Sat a.m. for w/end away with Ex-Husband and Much Younger Fiancee) … naturally they simply HAD to have their favourite clothes, clean & fresh for departure. The things we do ….!?!

    Hope you have a VERY marvellous time on your holiday.

  • Littlemummy August 21, 2009 at 2:04 am

    You'll have a great time.

    Re Trumpton, used to have it on video, loved it but not sure why 🙂

  • Half Mum Half Biscuit August 21, 2009 at 4:12 am

    No! You can't take the dirty washing!

    We had trouble drying clothes in not so sunny Cornwall. When we got back and I came to unpack the 'clean' clothes they were a little fusty. Dylan told me that the clean t-shirt I had given him to wear smelt. I said, What of? He said, Cheese. Adding that it was like the Camenbert he brought me back from France. Quite nice really, he said. And no he didn;t want a different t-shirt!

    Have a great holiday – all of you, washing and all!

  • Uptown Girl August 21, 2009 at 7:46 am

    I've turned into a sack of flour this summer as well.

    I do laundry about once per month (yes I own 1 month's worth of undies)… can't imagine life with children bc I love being lazy as much as possible.

    Good luck with all the dirty clothes!

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Hi IM, yes, going out is bliss, not sure that washing in a blur is, think I will save it, at least it will be a holiday washing machine!

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Thanks, Chic Mama, it should be lovely, will report back soon! Hope your end of hols goes well

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Rosiero, I've never actually seen paper knicks on sale though have had to wear them occasionally in beauty parlours when having ambitious treatments …..primark Tshirts are a speciality, though I make my poor girls wear them for years x

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Hi Suburbia, we're off to Sweden, went a couple of years ago and loved it so am hoping to vie gently with the kayaks/sweet factory without anything as vulgar as outright competition! Enjoy the rest of the hols, child-free and child full!

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Gosh, I only have to wait another few years then before the washing impulse kicks in, Family Affairs! Well, that's good news …I think! xx

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Mumplustwo, thanks for the holiday wishes, hope you got everything dry in time for your little dears and hope you have lots planned for child-free time x

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Uptown, very impressed as always by your insouciant ways ….a month's worth of knicks …not sure we could manage that as it would be times three here and we'd have to build some sort of outhouse x

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Littlemummy, Trumpton was a classic I think. Loved it – but agree, not totally sure why! xx

  • dulwich divorcee August 21, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Half Mum half Biscuit, mmmm, love that cheesy tale, how old is the cherub? Not sure that would totally work with Child One who is 13 going on 46 …but I'll try it! x

  • nixdminx August 22, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    oh my heavens, soggy laundry we did that the other week, it just means you can bring back more shopping because your suitcases are full of dry clothes on the way back. I've just come back from hols and Miniminx is now away – got three weeks off and I've become a sloth but with a great tan so at least a glam sloth – have a great hol x

  • marriedwithfour August 31, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Have a lovely holiday.