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Hard to credit

November 17, 2009

I was avoiding going to bed with my thoughts last night and, for some reason, I decided to check my credit card bill online.

This is something I never do. Once a purchase is made, I rarely revisit the scene of the crime, and do my best to forget everything about the new item and pretend I’ve either had it forever or that it was sorely needed, whichever stands the greater chance of being convincing. Sometimes neither really comes off, but hey, I’m a novelist, I need to exercise my imagination. This time, though, for some strange reason, I did check.

Thank goodness I did. For, at the end of the tally, and standing out like a neon pink, sprinkle-encrusted jelly doughnut amid a plate of humble wholemeal scones, was a purchase of £367.99 made at an online store called Anna’s Sexy Clubwear.

Quite a lot of me wishes I was the type to shop at Anna’s Sexy Clubwear. I am not sure what sexy clubwear entails, but I would imagine it features higher heels than I have ever known – probably high enough to bring on a nosebleed – and more than the odd smattering of leather. It is a very sad fact indeed that the last time I bought leather, it was a pair of elbow patches for Child One’s school jumper, which she had worn to shreds. Needless to say, she took one look at my painstaking mending, screamed that I was on a one woman mission to destroy her life, and refused even to touch the jumper ever again. I thought they were actually quite natty. Tragic, but true.

Whoever is running around the internet with my card details is having the time of their life. By the time I’d got on the phone with First Direct, with my voice up there in bat-squeak register due to the dread thought that I was going to be lumbered with paying for someone else’s purchases at Sluts R Us, the thief  had sprinted to several more sites and bought a load more stratospheric heels, some clothing featuring many straps which is going to be very draughty indeed during this chill November weather we’re having, and some other stuff that I really don’t even want to discuss on a family blog.

The lady from First Direct’s fraud squad listened as I shrieked: “Look, you can see it’s not me, I’d never wear that sort of gear in a million, trillion years!” After I had ranted on for a good while longer, she eventually got a word in.

“Look, madam, do calm down. We know it’s not you. You really don’t need to worry,” she said, in those special tones we reserve for talking to the deranged.

“Are you sure? I won’t be charged?” I shrilled.

“Absolutely not. After all, madam, you only ever shop at  Primark or Tesco!”

Grrrr. Now where’s the link for Anna’s Sexy Clubwear?

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  • Laura November 17, 2009 at 4:48 am

    I’m so sorry, laughing at your expense.

    Maybe I should ring the lady at First Direct and tell her that all you wore during our trip to Port Aventura was Anna’s Sexy Clubwear.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 4:54 am

      Don’t you dare! That’s our little secret. Mind you, if you sent that pic of Erica in the mask …..

  • Twitted by DulwichDivorcee November 17, 2009 at 4:49 am

    […] This post was Twitted by DulwichDivorcee […]

  • Kat November 17, 2009 at 4:55 am

    How in the world can anyone spend that much on “club wear”? Last time I looked those kind of trendy clothes cost about £5 an item. I mean they are all made of polyester and lyrca…

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 5:00 am

      I bow to your superior knowledge, Kat – maybe she just bought hundreds of items? Seriously, she’d done about £1,000-worth of shopping here and there, perhaps she has a warehouse somewhere full of lycra …or a lot of friends who like straps ….

  • Rosie Scribble November 17, 2009 at 4:56 am

    Brilliant! It is not a laughing matter of course, is in fact very very serious, and now the Port Aventura lot will have a field day with this information!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 5:04 am

      I’ve just this minute had an offer of £15 off from Johnnie Boden, I think he’s getting worried that I’m going astray!

  • Josie @Sleep is for the Weak November 17, 2009 at 4:59 am

    Oh no!! You know what, I would put very large amounts of money on the bet that your mystery shopper is in fact a six foot guy. Probably married…

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 5:05 am

      OMG! You’re right, he’s probably one of the dads from school, yeeesh

  • Crystal Jigsaw November 17, 2009 at 5:31 am

    This is the second post I’ve read this morning about credit card fraud, it’s an absolute scandal and very worrying.

    btw, I had an email from some blog tarter-upper trying to get me to sign up to his services. He listed some of the bloggers he’s already done and yours was one of them! It does look great too. But I’m not paying out at the mo.

    CJ xx

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 5:51 am

      It is awful – luckily First Direct were great about it but am not looking forward to changing all passwords etc …I think it must have been the lovely Andy who contacted you? He is fantastic, if you ever do think of having a little makeover I would definitely recommend him xx

  • Naturalmat November 17, 2009 at 5:54 am

    Thanks for this, you have allowed me a good giggle this morning.

    I hope they reimburse you for the lycra and platforms.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 6:08 am

      Thanks for popping in, NM, yes, I hope they are shovelling the money back into my account as we speak!

  • TheMadHouse November 17, 2009 at 6:05 am

    I am currenly hearing about this a lot, My SIL’s card was cloned, but they didnt buy anything as exciting as naugthy underwear!!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 6:10 am

      Oh, I really have all the luck, MH!! Actually a friend was telling me this morning that it happened to her and the thief just bought toys as Christmas presents – really sad! Quite glad my tealeaf is clearly a gal of low morals so I can disapprove with an easy conscience!

  • Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club November 17, 2009 at 7:02 am

    Thank goodness you looked at your bill and caught it so fast! Yikes.

    Maybe you should go out and buy some naughty knickers just to say F-You to the thieves. 🙂

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 1:03 pm

      I think that’s a really excellent idea, Amy. Though I think I may be going to Agent Provocateur rather than Anna’s Sexy Clubwear ….love your blog, btw!

  • Brit In Bosnia November 17, 2009 at 7:10 am

    In the days before children, when I had a job and income and everything, I worked out my card had been hacked by a fraudster as they went shopping in Argos.

    Wouldn’t have noticed now.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm

      You really made me laugh with that, Brit!! My daughters had to explain the whole Argos procedure to me a hundred times and I still find it baffling. But cheap! Don’t tell me they have Argos in Bosnia?

  • Chic Mama November 17, 2009 at 7:53 am

    You need to expand your shopping criteria….I’ve heard Peacocks is good. ;0)
    On a serious note….that’s scary isn’t it. I hope they get it all sorted out and refunded asap.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 12:59 pm

      Hmmm, I think that shows you’ve never actually been inside Peacocks, Chic! All that glitters is probably polyester in there, I think …thank you, First Direct have been great so far x

  • Littlemummy November 17, 2009 at 8:43 am

    Oh dear, Anna’s Sexy Clubwear eh.. You’re sure you haven’t forgotten about any purchases 🙂

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 1:02 pm

      Nope, no, no, no, definitely not, NO ….anyway, shouldn’t you be off to the dark tower to play pokers round about now?!

  • Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst November 17, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Annas Sexy Clubwear, How much!!?? Thats alot to spend on, what I imagine is, not a lot! Lucky you checked. I must admit, I’m the same as you, I rarely look at mine. But I agree with Josie, above, double check those dads at the school gates.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 12:57 pm

      Hi BMTA, yes, I’m definitely going to have a stern look at those daddies – there are some who you can almost imagine wearing a rubber vest under their three piece suits ….

  • Heather November 17, 2009 at 10:59 am

    It is a horrible feeling isn’t it? I will never forget the mini heart attack i nearly had when my bank called me up to ask me if i had just spent over a thousand pounds on various dodgy websites.

    Thankfuly, i got every penny back but it’s still a scary thing.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 12:56 pm

      Hi Heather, nice to meet you – I read that as ‘doggy’ websites to start with!! Was wondering for a second how you could spend a thousand on labradors ….sorry to hear it’s happened to you but glad you got the money back!

  • Linda November 17, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Love it, love it, love it, though I would pay good money just to listen to hear you ordering some of the stuff you can’t mention! In fact you could make the money back if you did lose any by launching a DD’s ‘special advice line for naughty boys….’
    Sorry, did I say that aloud?
    Thank you for such a brilliant post. Some of the best writing around. End of.
    So there.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 3:54 pm

      Thank you, lovely Linda, you’re toooo kind but admit it, thinking about me ordering those unmentionables is pushing those percentages up, isn’t it? Actually a special advice line is an excellent idea, one of these days ….maybe

  • suburbia November 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Ha ha! Love it, well, only because you didn’t get lumbered. Scary how that can happen though. I never check mine.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 17, 2009 at 3:55 pm

      Hi Suburbia, I don’t know what made me check mine, must be the goddess of slinky underwear or something ….thank goodness I did! Now go and check yours!

  • geekymummy November 17, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Ha! Ours was once used for online porn at 3.00am. Good job I trust my husband!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 18, 2009 at 11:46 am

      OMG!! How yucky – and very glad it wasn’t him!!

  • Linda November 18, 2009 at 11:20 am

    My percentages are sky high, Lady. And the thought of Erica making a video, well it’s all too much.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 18, 2009 at 11:48 am

      Yes, that Erica ….I blame her, totally. The little pixie

  • lulu campbell November 18, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Good grief. What is the world coming to – and I”ve finally worked out how to join as a follower. Sorry for the delay Lx

  • single dad and son December 8, 2009 at 7:50 am

    OMG ! You guessed.

    O.K. I confess. It all happened after my wayward wife ran off with another man with more money than me. The fact he was fat and boring and completely braindead didn’t seem to matter to her.

    Apparently, she said, it was all my fault. I made her do it, presumably by being a loyal, loving, reliable, faithful etc, etc, husband. Wasn’t worth being one of them, obviously !

    So, in an effort to see things from her point of view, I tried thinking myself into her head and tried to understand how she was thinking.

    That’s when it started happening.

    I began to find that all I could think about was spending other people’s money and shopping, then it was clothes. This was soon followed by the idea of selling myself to other people in return for access to their wallets.

    But I soon found it more and more difficult telling the difference between men and women in the world of sex obsessed narcissists.

    Soon I discovered the delights inside those Anne Summers shops and then there was no stopping me.

    I went wild with excitement !

    Now I can’t quite tell what sex I am and neither can anyone else when I wear those luuurvly rubber vests AND really, really weird rubber bras and other underthings.

    OOOOh, all those funny straps and that restriction all over the body. It Soooooo exciting, don’t you know.

    Oooops !