Men are from Mars, Women go to Cadburys

March 3, 2009

Do you ever feel that you don’t understand the man in your life? Do you, perchance, feel that it’s hard to communicate with the opposite sex? Well, worry no longer, for, as a reknowned expert on misunderstandings, contretemps and, indeed, divorce, I have decided to step into the fray and provide the world, and most particularly Dulwich, with a quick translation service.

What a woman says:

Darling, I love it! I’m taking it back to the shops the moment they open

You shouldn’t have! You should have, and weeks ago

I love you This could be it – with a little work, you really might be a decent prospect

I wouldn’t change a thing about you Except all your clothes, your mother and most of your friends, apart from the ones I don’t mind flirting with

It would be lovely to spend more time together Because I’m having a few doubts, and this is probably your last chance

Let’s have a lovely romantic dinner Because I want to check whether you chew with your mouth open. If you do, it’s curtains

Darling, I think you’re having doubts Oh my God! Thank God I didn’t marry this one

It’s not you, it’s me It’s sooooo you

I’m just not right for you You’re not right for me

I’m holding you back You’re holding me back

I’ll always care about you I’m changing the locks

I wish you well If you fell under a bus, I’d do the rhumba

What a man says:

Whoops, I put my phone on silent Don’t ring me

My phone ran out of juice Don’t ring me

I left my phone at the office Don’t ring me

You’ll see me tomorrow No you won’t

See you later No you won’t

I’m on my way No I’m not

The train was late No it wasn’t

I’ve already eaten With someone else

I have to get up early for an important meeting With someone else

I’ve got to rush Get off me!

I’ll call you later No I won’t

I love you Will that shut you up?

I’m not right for you You’re not right for me

Let’s stay friends Because I might be desperate for sex at some point

There, my darlings, now we all understand each other perfectly. Don’t say I never do anything for you. I do hope it’ll be a help as you skip through this game we call life. I personally think it explains an awful lot. Particularly the huge recent rise in Cadbury’s profits. Now, where did I put those chocolate buttons?

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  • rosiescribble March 3, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Well said DD. My Cadbury’s fruit and nut never lets me down!!

  • rosiero March 3, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Thank you DD. I shall keep this thesaurus on me to consult when him indoors speaks to me!

  • Nicola March 3, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I have read this 6 times and can’t stop chuckling. Am going to send to all my friends to cheer up their Tuesdays! Oh what a plum…I have just got the title. Duh. Ok now I am laughing even harder. Have to go pee.

  • Coding Mamma (Tasha) March 4, 2009 at 2:43 am

    Very funny.

  • DulwichDivorcee March 6, 2009 at 7:23 am

    MMMMmmm, fruit and nut, Rosiescribble, now you’re talking! Must just pop to the shop…..

  • DulwichDivorcee March 6, 2009 at 7:25 am

    Rosiero, just print it and stick it to the fridge, I do! It’s even helpful with the tradesmen – milkman:’I’ll call in the morning’ No I won’t. Windowcleaner: ‘I’ll do the front and the back for £14’ No I won’t ….etc etc x

  • DulwichDivorcee March 6, 2009 at 7:26 am

    Nicola, you are so sweet! Hope your pelvic floor has recovered now xx

  • DulwichDivorcee March 6, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Thank you kindly, Coding! Just trying to help xx

  • A Modern Mother March 7, 2009 at 2:13 am

    Ha! Yes, Don’t ring me. My husband still thinks this. What’s up with that?

    Can I use on London Mums, pretty please?

  • DulwichDivorcee March 7, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Hi, AMM, of course I would be thrilled if you used it on London Mums. Still struggling with my Brit Mummy Blogger tag, am such a technotwit, please tell me, where on earth do I put that HTML code? x

  • ALMOST MRS AVERAGE March 17, 2009 at 4:22 am

    Thank God Easter’s coming. That’ll keep me happy for a while longer 😀