Puppy love?

April 21, 2009

I talked to my lovely friend Slippers about my recent contretemps with TL, though I admit I slightly glossed over the part where I hit him 20 times after finding out he had had a rendez-vous with a former love, and concentrated more on the fact that he’d abandoned me to ‘think’ again. There is a connection, I can see it now the red mist has faded somewhat, between people finding a sudden urge to think deeply on their own, and being whacked repeatedly by someone shouting like a fishwife. Mind you, men, if you don’t want GBH, don’t go sneaking off to see former loves, no matter how justifiable you believe the circumstances are. If he’d told me what he was doing, I might have been …..slightly less annoyed. And I definitely would only have hit him ten or eleven times. No, the question is not really why TL is thinking, but why on earth I have not been.

The answer is both too simple and much too complicated, so I’ll turn again to my dear Slippers. Her solution, to the ‘lite’ version of the tangled tale, was that I should go out and get myself a puppy.

‘You can’t think about anything when you’ve got a new puppy, you have to spend all day clearing up widdle,’ she enthused. Hmmm, tempting.

We do have pets already – the divine Mme Bovary, who is currently very cross with me as we were away after Easter and her dainty little pink nose is out of joint, and Jumbo the rabbit. Jumbo, I’m ashamed to admit, is getting me down He sits all day in the corner of his cage, in a monumental sulk, with short outbursts of anger when he stomps around attacking his bedding with great fury, sometimes fixing me with a malevolent brown gaze (his cage is in the study where I write). He is never, never, never nice. He bites the children. He would no doubt bite me if I went anywhere near him. Frankly, he gives me the willies. And talking of willies …people say he will be a lot better if we have him ‘done’. But, oh, the responsibility, the guilt …the vet fees …

I thought about Slippers’ puppy idea for about 30 seconds. Then I decided we’d get the next best thing – an iPhone.

For years, my mobile phones have been a joke. My first was second-hand, my second was the only one in the world without a camera, my current one was popular with a lot of Child Two’s class two years ago but they’ve moved on to better things long since. A large part of me resists all this phone fashion nonsense. But then, another part is fed up with getting lost in the car. The connection? The iPhone has a built-in GPS tracker. So I wouldn’t have to buy a Sat Nav. Yay!

I was still mulling all this when Child Two dragged me to the bright lights of Bromley to buy much-needed pedal pushers. She only has crops, clam diggers and capri pants and obviously needed pedal pushers from Zahra. On the way to Zahra was an o2 shop. And, before I knew it, I had a gleaming white iPhone complete with fancy red leather case.

There we were in the changing room at Zahra, playing with the lovely phone. In it went to its gorgeous new case. Out it came ….oh no, it didn’t. What? It was stuck? I yanked at it, Child Two yanked at it …but it was firmly embedded in the case, showing no signs of wanting to come out. Ever.

What kind of a phone case is this, I wondered? Hardly useful if you get an important call, then have to spend ages wrestling the phone out of its case to take it. Finally, with more huffing and puffing than it took Child Two to get into her skintight pedal pushers (‘Yes, they are the right size, Mummy, and no, I don’t need room to grow,’) I managed to extract the phone. Phew.

Off we went home, and immediately, I tried to insert my old sim card, to get the phone working. Out came the space-age, bendy metal wishbone thing, up popped the sim holder – but how to get it in? Oh well, I just shoved the sim in and hoped for the best. That’ll work, right?

Er, wrong. And I had just poked the sim right down into the innards of my lovely new phone, where it had stuck fast, like Winne the Pooh in Rabbit’s doorway. Twenty minutes later and I had tested my new Sure Maximum Protection anti-perspirant to the limit, while ramming a hairgrip, tweezers, a needle and a knife into the iPhone and rummaging desperately. Finally, I managed to extract the sim, milimetre by milimetre, no doubt doing huge damage to various vital chips en route, and sat, panting with relief, at the kitchen table.

Child Two looked at me pityingly. ‘Maybe you’re not quite ready for an iPhone yet, Mummy,’ she said, patting my hand sympathetically, as I am sure she and Child One will do when they sign me into the maximum security Home for the Hopeless Elderly next week.

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  • tartetartan April 21, 2009 at 6:52 am

    Know how you feel. New technology is soooo frustrating. I have just had to order a new computer (would have been more than happy to have kept my overworked 8 yr old dinosaur, but it overheated and went into meltdown last week), and I know I will turn the air blue before I manage to get it up and running. Wish me luck. Hope the phone’s working now? TTx

  • English Mum April 21, 2009 at 7:14 am

    Hmmm, I’m with you there. I have a knackered old pink Nokia with two cracks in the screen, but I’d never work an iPhone. Have you got the hang of it yet?

    Oh and don’t worry, I’ve been known to attack the Hubby in a fit of fury once or twice. They don’t bruise that easily 🙂

  • Anonymous April 21, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Shouldn’t that be Zara?

  • Crystal Jigsaw April 22, 2009 at 7:10 am

    You’re braver than me, I wouldn’t know where to start with an iphone, in fact I don’t even know what one does!

    Kids just have it all really don’t they. The technological brain cells, the trendy clothes and all the answers!

    CJ xx

  • Laura April 22, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    I myself have two mobile phones on the go concurrently. I lost the back of my favourite one at an office party a couple of years ago ..don’t ask… and consequently the clip which holds the battery in hangs by a thread. One day it will snap. Hence I also carry around with me Phone 2, a much superior model with all mod cons. We elderly middle agers have it all sussed really, don’t we?

  • DulwichDivorcee April 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    TT, you know, you may be pleasantly surprised – they do make them easier and easier. I hardly killed anyone 3 years ago when I got this one! English, well TL did say I hadn’t done him any damage, but that was before I got the frying pan out ….a Le Creuset, naturally ….Anon, you are absolutely right, it’s Zara. The trouble is I have a dear friend called Zahra, though she wouldn’t be seen dead in anything from Zara. Hope the fact that you can spell it doesn’t mean you get dragged there more often than me! Crystal, the iPhone really is easy peasy – obviously I’ve been on the phone all day to the help desk, but I have to do that when I buy cornflakes ….Hi Laura, I too have been toting 2 phones while waiting for my number to morph mysteriously from one to the other I have to wean myself back to one, not easy!

  • splodge April 23, 2009 at 9:16 am

    This is a classic DD!

    Know how you feel – one sometimes needs a degree just to understand the instructions…or maybe it’s a conspiracy ensuring that only the very young can use the funkiest gadgets.

  • Laura April 23, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I find my spectacles more useful than my degree for reading instructions these days…

  • DulwichDivorcee April 24, 2009 at 5:12 am

    I think our offspring are just born knowing how to install a printer these days – Child Two is a whizz and it will be some time before she gets nearer to uni than in my more optimistic dreams!

  • Maternal Tales April 29, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Ha ha ha. Great post. Laughed lots. Strange thing though – have had you on my blog roll for ages, but it hasn’t updated since your Mother’s Day post! Hmph. Not quite sure why but annoying. Came here because of the carnival… Just thought I’d let you know!!!

    Other than that, what’s the latest on TL?? Haven’t you got rid of him yet?? Cos I really think you need to… ;-))

  • DulwichDivorcee May 5, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Hi Maternal, thanks for the tip, I think I’ve fixed it, fingers crossed ….as for TL, watch this space!!