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Six affairs to remember

November 29, 2010

My lovely friend E has sent us this to cheer everyone up on a bleak November morning. The last one made me laugh so much I can now feel my toes again for the first time in hours – thank you, E! Mwah.

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair 

 With his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 

And made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 

And woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 

And told his lover to take his shoes 

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. 

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, 

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. 

We had sex all afternoon.’ 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

‘You lying bugger! 

You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 

But always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 

For the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant 

 And delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the hospital nursery 

To see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 

He had ever seen. 

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can 

Be the father of this baby. 

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 

Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No,

not this time!’ 

The 3rd Affair 

A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 

About to be cremated, 

And made a startling discovery. 

Schwartz had the largest private part 

He had ever seen! 

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician 

Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated 

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.’ 

So, he removed it, 

Stuffed it into his briefcase, 

And took it home. 

‘I have something to show 

You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, 

Opening his briefcase. 

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, 

‘Schwartz is dead!’  

The 4th Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover 

When she heard her husband 

Opening the front door. 

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 

Then dusted him with talcum powder. 

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ 

She said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ 

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired 

As he entered the room. 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. 

 The Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too.’ 

No more was said, 

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got up, 

Went to the kitchen and returned 

 With a sandwich and a beer. 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. 

 ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it

 So I got one for us, too.’ 

No more was said, 

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got up, 

Went to the kitchen and returned 

 With a sandwich and a beer. 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. 

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 

 And nobody offered me a damned thing.’ 

The 5th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe, 

Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ 

‘One cent?’ the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 

‘How much for a nice juicy steak 

And a bottle of wine?’ 

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. 

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. 

‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ 

The bartender replied: 

‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ 

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs 

With your wife?’ 

The bartender replied: 

‘The same thing I’m doing 

To his business down here.’  

The 6th & Final Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 

‘I have something I must confess.’ 

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. 

‘No,’ he insisted, 

‘I want to die in peace. 

 I slept with your sister, your best friend, 

 Her best friend, and your mother!’ 

‘I know,’ she replied. 

‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

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  • Trish@ Mum's Gone to November 29, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Oh I did enjoy these! The second and third were my faves.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 29, 2010 at 6:16 am

      Oh, I think the sixth has to be my fave … it’s that caring, ‘now just rest …..’ that does it 😉

  • Emma November 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Oooo that’s too funny! Made me giggle!

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 2, 2010 at 11:46 am

      There’s nothing like a good giggle on a grey day 🙂