The pits

August 15, 2009

I felt I really should alert you all to a scary new advert which lurched out of the TV at me last night. It featured two implausibly attractive young things, with long, golden limbs, cavorting about on a rug. You can picture it – they are carefree, gorgeous, they are so not fretting about whether they left the iron on upstairs or where the next mortgage payment is coming from. They are obviously In Love and it was all rather sweet, even though the girl was wearing the sort of weeny strappy top I haven’t been able to get for at least twenty years, due to bras, gravity, bingo wings, odd little spurs of back flab squeezing out of said bras and now, of all things, an incipient crepey chest.

Then the girl turned to the boy in the ad and said – wait for it – words to the effect of ‘which part of my body do you like best?’. At this point I lurched from my prone, peanut-eating position on the sofa, almost spilling my Chardonnay, to shout, ‘no! No! Are you mad?’

Everyone knows you should never ask a man a leading question like that! Admittedly, the reason I know this particularly well is that I made a similar mistake earlier in the week – after all my years of experience, doh! – and am still wincing over my psychological bruises. It’s not great when you don’t get the right answer.

The girl then leaps up, exposing several hundred yards of tanned, silky thigh, and pirouettes around, asking the guy if he likes her bum, her boobs, etc ….it’s really a bit of a questionable ad, now that I come to describe it. He shakes his head, she lies down again and finally he answers her, by wordlessly stroking her armpit.

Her armpit!!! I mean, WTF? As if it’s not stressful enough keeping some sort of handle on the major trouble spots, like legs, stomach, breasts, chin, face, facial hair, nostril hair, other creeping bits of hair too vile to mention ….now we have to work on our bloomin’ armpits as well!

This time, I’m simply not having it. All right, the ad was for a deoderant (Nivea I think) so some sort of glancing reference to armpits was, I suppose, inevitable. But I absolutely refuse to start stressing out over the less than beauteous state of my pits and be forced to treat them as yet another potential erogenous zone which needs regular preening. They are just armpits, so there.

Next time, I would suggest that the man turns to the girl in the ad and says, maybe in a jokey sort of way, ‘any parts you think I ought to work on?’ The girl could, by the very faintest movement of her eyes, indicate his groinage area. Hah! That would teach them what insecurity feels like.

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  • whistlejacket August 16, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Lol at this post. I haven't seen that ad yet, and I'm glad I haven't. I often despair at how women are advertised to. And this sounds like yet another ad designed to make us feel our bodies should be perfectly slim, toned and hair-free to please our men.

    I hope a follow up ad sees this girl dumping armpit fetish man and juggling children, housework and a job. Maybe remembering to shave her armpits once a week.

  • Nicola August 16, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Oh dear. That just reminds me of 'armpit sex'. Sorry. Not that I know anything about armpit sex but I do remember my MIL, upon meeting a gay friend, saying, "Ok, I just have to ask you the question that many people wonder but most are too scared to ask…" (Oh God, I am thinking, what on earth is going to come out of her mouth next and do I really want to be a witness to it?)

    "So…do you have armpit sex?" ????? I am not sure who was the most confused. And I am still really none the wiser. But the subject of armpits automatically leads my brain to this one damaging conversation that happened over 10 years ago…

  • Hadriana's Treasures August 16, 2009 at 9:15 am

    Oh DD, when I met you (not that long ago now) you are the very image of beauty!

    Yes…what a noxious advert. I must admit I avoid all adverts like the plague. Mute button and all that. Maybe we can have a screen saver just for the adverts!

  • dulwich divorcee August 16, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Hi Whistlejacket, love your blog btw, now that would be a great ad …sadly I think fetish man would just move on to another pair of armpits ….

    OMG Nicola, armpit sex????? Are you sure your MIL wasn't thinking of another word beginning with A, with maybe an N, another A and an L? Have never heard of armpit sex but then I have led a very sheltered life here in Dulwich …thank God! I think this ad should be stopped as it is causing both of us trauma!

    Hadriana, you can be my very bestest friend! Thank you! All I can say is that time and gravity can be terribly, terribly cruel …

    I used to love ads, but that was in the innocent days when Joan Collins was throwing Cinzano all over whosits. It's a whole different game now xx

  • Victoria August 17, 2009 at 6:44 am

    Ooh, you've just reminded me, my armpits need a shave before we go on holiday tomorrow…

    thanks x

  • Suburbia August 17, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Oh bugger, something else to wax, bring on the winter weather, then we can all cover up again and pretend!

  • what happened ?how did i get HERE? August 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Hmm, fekkin armpits, I mean ARMPITS! And, horrors, I too am getting a bit crepy round the chest region….caught myself in a less than flattering mirror last week….I'm only 44 for God's sake and I've always worn sunscreen….my father looked like a battered leather handbag in his dotage, so I suppose genes will out…..!! mX

  • dulwich divorcee August 18, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Victoria, just think of me as your early warning system! Happy hols!

    Suburbia, yes, thank god for opaque tights, boots, woolly jumpers and very big coats! I think I might get a balaclava this year ….

    Hi M, I know, I too am an ardent sunscreen devotee, I just don't know how this has happened …I suppose the comfort is that without it I'd look like a camel's bottom by now!

  • Uptown Girl August 20, 2009 at 11:23 am

    I'm very happy to say that I don't think the armpit ad has made it over to my side of the lake. That sounds awful… also the comment about armpit sex has left me perplexed.

    I consider it a good day if I remember to use deodorant at all, guess that means i'm safe from armpit fettish man.

  • dulwich divorcee August 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

    I wouldn't be too sure, Uptown, I think probably your armpits are in excellent condition if you don't overdo the deoderant and you're probably a prime armpit fetish man target …not that I want to alarm you or anything ….stay safe on that side of the pond xx

  • Very Bored Housewife August 27, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Yay! Thank the Lord, Salvation is here. I have good armpits!!! The rest of me looks like a mouldy sack of spuds mind but my armpits – they rock!

  • Not Waving but Drowning September 14, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Crikey, all these years and I haven't really appreciated my arm pits!