The Reckoning

June 6, 2008

Time for a little refresher on how things are going, since I discovered The Secret:

1. Weight loss. You may recall that my half term stupor had left me with an attractive brontosaurus neck, thanks to ingesting several hundredweight of Tescos chocolate peanuts and raisins on the sofa. Well, thanks to concentrating on Thin Thoughts, the neck has deflated slightly! Before you even say it, dearest Goodbyetoallfat, this may also have had something to do with my horrific cold/sore throat, which has prevented me from staggering to the fridge in the odd moment when I am not required to drive my darlings to their violin, ballroom dancing and bassoon lessons since school started again.

2. Handbags. Strangely, the Louis Vuitton handbag hasn’t arrived yet. I expect it’s just held up in the post.

3. Huge cheques. These haven’t come either. Tsk, that post really is appalling.

4. Newspaper column! This is obviously fabulous – but I did hear about it before I started listening to The Secret so I don’t think it can count. And, unfortunately, it does seem to have become a bit of a misogynist magnet. Honestly, men!

5. True Love. Despite my valiant efforts to think happy thoughts and project a future where we are together in blissful harmony, all I’ve had for my pains is a text saying he is getting to the bottom of things. Yes, but whose bottom, that’s what I want to know! Sniff.

6. Blessings. Part of the Secret is counting these, and I must say this is no struggle. Here I am, living in lovely Dulwich, with lots of friends, both corporeal and cyber, my gorgeous children, a slightly dysfunctional cat, a plentiful supply of chocolate peanuts ….no, no, I’m going to slam the fridge door now ….and ….oooh, is that the postman I hear?

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  • slippers June 6, 2008 at 7:31 am

    Dear dulwich divorcee,i too tried a similar secret but i talked to the universe a cosmic noel edmunds thing ,you write a list and hope it works …have faith x

  • goodbyetoallfat June 6, 2008 at 10:19 am

    “Before you even say it, dearest Goodbyetoallfat, this may also …..”

    I wouldn’t make any comment on why you might have developed Brontosaurus neck, merely sympathise because I have a huge rugby player type neck myself.

    Although it is exacerbated by my weight, I don’t think I have a small narrow swan-like neck build to start with. (My neck currently measures a manly 17½” but even when “slim” I doubt whether it will ever be much less than 15″.)

    One of my bugbears is that throughout my life (on various birthdays or other occasions) well meaning friends have bought me delicate, little necklaces as presents (possibly thinking I am a bit of a tomboy and why don’t I wear more jewellery?)

    SIMPLE: most necklaces cause me to asphyxiate!!!

    (Other than the really long dangly ones which never seem to be given as presents.)

    Now if only I copied this comment onto e-mails / notelets to friends and family perhaps I would never again receive a beautiful but totally unwearable piece of personal decoration to add to my vast collection?

    Perhaps I should flog it all on E-bay or set up a market stall selling “necklacces for slim people sold by Ms Fat Neck that I cannot wear” ?

    I’m sure it would go down a storm !!!

  • rosiero June 6, 2008 at 10:50 am

    Send the chocolate peanuts to me!!!!!

  • DulwichDivorcee June 7, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Ooh, Slippers, not sure I can face the idea of a Noel Edmonds blobbing around out there in the universe …though possibly he has stolen my handbags ….

    GTAF, I so know what you mean. I have always had a hatred of roll neck jumpers for the same reason. Yes, it’s possible that I had a brontosaurus neck long before I lay down on the sofa with my peanuts ….

    Roseiro – chocolate peanuts? What chocolate peanuts? Ooh look, the packet seems to be empty, don’t know quite how that happened ….

  • goodbyetoallfat June 9, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    DD — I have just tagged this post of yours in my latest blog!

    In writing about my new weekly weight and things that “normal” sized people don’t notice, I included a bit about the “fat neck syndrome” and included a link to Dulwich Divorcee’s post re: Brontosaurus Neck!

    Hope that’s OK with you, but your post made me think of the comment to start with.

  • DulwichDivorcee June 10, 2008 at 3:31 am

    Hi Goodbye, I am thrilled that my bronto neck is doing some good in the world – if only I could hire it out as a fairground attraction! I shall read your post forthwith …