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Words women use

July 21, 2009

As you know, I am an old hand at the Battle of the Sexes. If they were giving out medals for those who have entered this particular field of combat and emerged, bloodied but unbowed, I would have the Distinguished Service Order several times by now. Sometimes, as part of my continued effort to understand the enemy, ahem, work with the other side, I sneak behind their lines and bring back anything that might be useful to the rest of us ladies fighting the good fight. On my last mission, I came across this dog-eared scrap of paper, handed to me by my dear friend E, who risked her life finding it. It turns out our menfolk have actually been listening to us and trying to develop a rough translation guide! Aren’t they adorable? Now read on:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of ‘nothing’.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you! Do not question, or faint. Just say ‘you’re welcome’. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Aren’t they just so sweet, the dears? I would just like to add, for any man who hasn’t quite got it yet, that if you provoke a woman into saying ‘fine’ often enough, she will probably divorce you. I mean, der!

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  • Lorraine July 24, 2009 at 3:37 am

    Oh I loved it…had me laughing out loud. How true ot was also.

  • Shabby Chick July 24, 2009 at 3:37 am

    Love it! I use whatever on my four year old as well but unfortunately she keeps saying it back to me :-S

    Mel x

  • Dancinfairy July 24, 2009 at 6:02 am

    All true, although they should know that already. At least my husband has cottoned on that if I say 'nothing' it means something.

    We are such complicated amazing creatures are we not?

  • Littlemummy July 24, 2009 at 8:32 am

    Haha so true, I say every one of those and they mean exactly what you say 🙂

  • mumplustwo July 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Hilarious! Spent 10 years saying 'fine' when it wasn't … and 'whatever' more regularly than Paris Hilton. Thanks for this -has really made me smile.

  • SandyCalico July 24, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    So true. Although I would never tell my OH to whatever. The silent treatment works just as well!

  • Suburbia July 24, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Love it! So true.

  • JennyMac July 25, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Oh, this is TOO funny (and spot on for some of the women in my family…LOL)

  • Ladybird World Mother July 26, 2009 at 4:12 am

    Brilliant!!! Utterly utterly true, each and every one. I think I say most of those each day to my Husband…he generally gets it… certainly looks worried when I say, 'Nothing.' Marvellous post!

  • TheBlonde July 26, 2009 at 5:30 am

    OMG we have an infiltrator. Or could this mean (shudder) there is a man with emotional intelligence and (shudder again) perception out there?
    Girls – we need to join forces and track down this dangerous individual.

  • Jo Beaufoix July 27, 2009 at 7:07 am

    So true. And you finished the list perfectly. 😀

  • Crystal Jigsaw July 27, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Number 9 applies to my husband, great statements and all very true.

    CJ xx

  • Chic Mama July 27, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    I LOVED this post, so true, so true its scary.
    I have come to hate the word fine.
    I have tagged you in a Meme to describe yourself in seven words.
    Chic Mama

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Hi Lorraine, thanks for popping by, love the fish thing on your blog btw!

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Hi Shabby, just been over to your blog and it's sooo not shabby – so pretty! Yes, whatever is very habit-forming I'm afraid …

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 1:32 am

    Dancinfairy, your husband sounds like one of the clever ones!! We are indeed complicated, amazing creatures – and gorgeous with it! Oh, and modest ….

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 1:37 am

    Hi lovely Littlemummy, lovely to see you, hope all's well and that the jetlag is gone …

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 1:38 am

    Hi mumplustwo, yes, it's quite a relief when you don't have to say 'fine' any more ……

  • dulwich divorcee July 28, 2009 at 1:47 am

    Hi SandyCalico, ah, the silent treatment! Another classic that should have been in the list …thank you!

    Suburbia, many thanks, I shall take a little curtsey

    Hi and welcome, JennyMac, thanks for stopping by!

    Hi Ladybird World Mother, what a fab name! Glad your husband is aware of the awesome power of 'nothing'!

    Hi TheBlonde, lovely to see you, and you know, I don't think we need to worry. If there was a man out there with emotional intelligence, he is definitely now extinct ….

    Jo, lovely to see you, and thanks!

    Why thank you, lovely CJ xx

    Oooh, Chic Mama, a tag! I shall pop over to your place forthwith x

  • Insomniac Mummy August 10, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Never a truer word spoken!

    Heheee!