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You know you’ve got a teenager in the house when ….

November 9, 2009

They may remind you strongly of the adorable tiny babies you brought home long, long ago. But teenage girls are a breed apart. No longer children, not quite adults, they lurch around somewhere in the middle, usually crashing into things and blaming you because it’s soooo your fault. Hey, they didn’t ask to be born, did they? Here’s a handy guide to spotting  whether you have a teenage girl in your midst:

1.The days when you got an unimpeded view of a mirror are long gone. Whenever you try something on, there is a gorgeous, gazelle-like creature in the way, saying, ‘do you think my hair looks better like this?’ Grr. It looks fabulous whatever she does with it.

2. She toys with her food, then says, ‘Mum, you know when you’re condemned to death? And you get to have whatever you like as your last meal? Can you make sure I don’t get this, please?’

3. Every second word is, like, like. And you can’t, like, ever have a conversation without, like, a question at the end? Like, ever? Unless, you know, it’s like, ‘whatever’ – which is usually the prelude to a slammed door.

4. You give the girl a ten pound note to get a disposable camera for a school trip. You get 1p change – and a lot of door-slamming ‘whatevers’ when you mildly remind the girl that their phone does already have a camera on it.

5. The only time they really notice you these days is when you embarrass them. And you embarrass them whenever you breathe outside the house.

6. You are still capable of inspiring one other emotion – pity. As when you show them an episode of Mr Ben, a favourite show from your childhood. ‘Mum, I had no idea TV shows were like, so tragically sad in the olden days?’ Grrr.

7. Out on a shopping trip, you ask if the teenager would like you to look after her purse. ‘Muuum, I’m not, like three years old, like, am I?’ Fine, you say, that’s great you’re taking some responsibility. An hour later, she’s lost the purse. ‘You made me go into that shop, Mum, like to buy your sad old sheets. If you hadn’t, like, done that, I’d still have my purse, wouldn’t I?’

8. Your own words start coming back to haunt you. Out for a walk, you remark it’s getting chilly. ‘Well, Mum, you should have, like, soooo worn your big coat, shouldn’t you?’ says the teenager, snugly wrapped up for once.

9. Her friends’ parents suddenly degenerate into boho hippy types who let anything go, while you run the most uptight, ridiculous regime since the Stasi. ‘Muuuum, Louise’s mum is letting her have all her friends round to go on their own to Oxford Street then go on to a nightclub and then just hang out at her place while her parents are away for the weekend. Can I, like, go?’ Er, let me think about that one for a nanosecond. No.

10. Your new top, which was called unbelievably sad, lame, way too yuck and designed by a sadist when you bought it, is suddenly, mysteriously missing from your wardrobe, just at the moment when the girl slams out of the house on her way to meet friends at Pizza Express. ‘Don’t you dare get any tomato on my top!’ you yell, only to receive the traditional fond farewell from your daughter. ‘Whatever!’

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  • Laura November 9, 2009 at 5:26 am

    That is … like … hilarious.

    I had a discussion with my niece and nephew about the use of the word ‘innit’ which is used randomly to almost punctuate sentences, innit?

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 6:11 am

      We, like, don’t use innit so much, like, because we’re too busy saying like, innit? We can only really do one word at at time, or we might burst out into a massive ‘whatever.’

  • Victoria November 9, 2009 at 5:30 am

    That is very funny, says the smug mother of under 10’s. Oh wait a sec, I’ve got that coming my way soon…

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 6:09 am

      Oh yes, Victoria. It’s coming your way ……and sooner than you think!

  • Aingeal November 9, 2009 at 5:39 am

    lol I have one of those, but think yourself lucky you got a penny change from that tenner lol

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 6:08 am

      Hi Aingeal, I hadn’t thought of it that way! I should probably get that penny framed ….

  • nuttycow November 9, 2009 at 5:45 am

    I’m sure I was, like, never like this.

    I was? Whatever.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 6:07 am

      Hi Nutty, thanks for popping in. I’m sure you were soooooooo never like that …..

  • suburbia November 9, 2009 at 6:11 am

    You posted this just in time (though sadly most of it is already familiar)as mine turned 13 today, oh joy!

    Loved reading it!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 3:43 pm

      A very happy birthday to your 13-year-old and I’m sure the word ‘like’ will never pass their lips! Fingers crossed anyway!

  • Littlemummy November 9, 2009 at 10:00 am

    I just can’t wait, like.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm

      Well, you do have a few more years to brace yourself …mind you, my Child One was becoming quite teenage from seven on ….

  • Chic Mama November 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    I’m dreading the teens with my daughters. They are already bad enough now. They are already afflicted with the like syndrome.
    I did a post about teenager boys last week, but I know girls are much worse. :0S

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm

      Oooh, will pop over and look at your teenage boys post, please tell me they are miles worse than girls!!

  • little red hen November 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    Funnily enough, my daughter’s 13th birthday coincided with the time I lost all my intellect. Apparently, I don’t know anything about anything. I hope to regain my brain in about 7 years.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 10, 2009 at 9:40 am

      I hope you find mine when you find mine, Little Red, and lovely to meet you!

  • Colette November 9, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Truly hilarious and fabulous all in one. I have a two year old and look forward to the ‘whateva mum’ or as we say in Ireland ‘What-ever Mammy’!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 10, 2009 at 9:38 am

      Love that whole ‘Mammy’ thing. My Child Two, who isn’t even a proper teenager yet, has coined the wonderful ‘whatevski’, which she uses the whole time.

  • Chic Mama November 10, 2009 at 9:03 am

    There is an award for you at mine.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 10, 2009 at 9:15 am

      Oooh, how lovely, Chic, you shouldn’t have! x

  • Shirl November 10, 2009 at 9:12 am

    so true! like, innit, proper, whatever. Gotta have a good laugh about it though … :0)

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 10, 2009 at 9:38 am

      Absolutely! It’s laugh or go nuts …..most days I laugh!

  • Emma November 11, 2009 at 10:51 am

    aaah…you’re scaring me. I think I will just enjoy my girls 6 and 8 – they are still in a hero worship stage where I am god. The younger organizes my wardrobe and the older gives me back massages.Result!

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 14, 2009 at 4:35 pm

      Well done you!! I don’t think I’ve played this right …..er, where did I go wrong?

  • A Modern Mother November 12, 2009 at 1:51 am

    This is hilarious! Especially the gazelles. Grrrrr.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 14, 2009 at 4:36 pm

      I know, just you wait till your three are all standing in front of the mirror at the same time ….it’s going to happen!

  • Myrna November 12, 2009 at 11:15 am

    And the funny thing is they ARE funny. They just don’t know it. It definitely helps to keep a sense of humor that’s for sure. Great post – reminds me of my house.

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 14, 2009 at 4:37 pm

      Thanks, Myrna! I love my daughters to bits and sometimes it helps to keep reminding myself of that ….

  • Selina Kingston November 13, 2009 at 3:02 am

    Uhmm excuse me…. have you spent an evening hiding out in our house?? I recognise ALL of those things.
    Just found your blog – I love it !
    Selina x

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 14, 2009 at 4:38 pm

      Yup, you caught me, that was me behind the sofa with a notebook! Thanks so much for popping in x

  • TheDivorcee November 13, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I’m game if you are, for a translation handbook? Feel we could have much to offer to the market….

    • Dulwich Divorcee November 14, 2009 at 4:38 pm

      Ooooooh, now that’s a very canny idea. I like your style!

  • Brad Fines June 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    I might have to do the same for MY boyfriend… heheh.