Jingle those bells carefully, please

December 14, 2009

jingle bellsSubject: Guidance for the singing of Festive Songs:

I am hugely indebted to the lovely S for passing on this important memo – just in time for your school carol service! Singing Christmas carols is no easy matter at the best of times and I’m sure we’d all agree that help of this sort is vital to make sure the festivities don’t get completely out of hand. Have a happy – and safe – carol service and thank you, S! x

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O’er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

 Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included is guidance on how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as ‘Mr. Donkey’. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr R  Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

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  • sue_bailey December 14, 2009 at 3:40 am

    Fantastic blog – I love it, brilliant!

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 14, 2009 at 4:30 am

      Why thank you, Sue. And I can not only blog, but also perform an emergency tracheotomy if the carols get really out of hand! All part of the service …

  • Kat December 14, 2009 at 3:42 am

    Sometimes health and safety goes a bit far! LOL!

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 14, 2009 at 4:31 am

      It really, really does, Kat. Do you have all this health and safety nonsense in the States? I was really surprised when I got back to the UK after 8 years abroad, everyone has gone nuts (can you even say that any more? Mentally challenged, perhaps).

  • amy @ bitchin' wives club December 14, 2009 at 4:12 am

    Ha! Christmas in the age of legal boilerplate. What is this world coming to?!?

    Merry Christmas!! (And be sure your eggnog has been pasteurized. 😉

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 14, 2009 at 4:33 am

      Good point, Amy – I shall be boiling my eggnog for 40 minutes now, thanks for the warning!

  • Chic Mama December 14, 2009 at 4:18 am

    Pheeewww….I am pleased our Carol service is over and done with and we all survived it. I may have been having palpitations over it had I read this first. ;0)

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 14, 2009 at 4:34 am

      Glad you got through it unscathed, Chic – probably a few close escapes there 🙂

  • Rosie Scribble December 14, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Brilliant! The world has gone completely mad. I expect Santa already needs an Enhanced CRB check. I’ll have to ask him to show it to me when he arrives on Christmas Eve (the CRB check, that is).

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 15, 2009 at 5:39 am

      Ho ho ho, Rosie, I’m sure he’ll show it to you – the CRB check of course!

  • Heather December 14, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    fabulous, ond disturbingly believable.

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 15, 2009 at 5:39 am

      I’m afraid so, Heather, it’s a mad world over here these days …

  • Part Mummy Part Me December 14, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Lovely! I hear they’re making Santa fit seatbelts to his sleigh.

  • Hot Cross Mum December 14, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Hilarious! Utter genius!

  • Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst December 14, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Oh dear! It’s a mad, mad world. Although must admit I’ve always secretly thought Santa a litte suspect…sneaking into peoples houses, parking his sleigh god knows where. I can just picture a clamp or ticket on that sleigh!! ‘Cause I can’t bloody park anywhere near to my house…LOL. Very funny post…

    • Dulwich Divorcee December 15, 2009 at 5:41 am

      BM, now imagining Santa at the car pound trying to talk himself out of a tow-away fee with the reindeer trying to nibble their way out of the fencing …:)

  • Victoria December 15, 2009 at 8:51 am

    I hope next weeks post will warn us about the dangers of cooking Christmas lunch. I imagine you could cause some serious damage to your back when lifting a turkey incorrectly.

    • Dulwich Divorcee January 11, 2010 at 4:13 am

      You certainly could! While setting light to the Christmas pudding is clearly criminally irresponsible unless you have a fire safety officer standing by …