News from the trenches

March 10, 2008

Well, my dears, six moths in the cereal cupboard this morning, and one larva clinging to a bag of mixed nuts. What on earth have I done to deserve this? Please don’t answer that. I am beginning to believe each moth has been personally hired to torment me by Mr X. I can imagine the scene. X sitting at a desk. A small moth perching across from him, looking up, wings aflutter. X saying, ‘now, I don’t want you to leave until she’s gone completely nuts, do you understand?’ The moth replies, in a thin, piping voice, ‘is that mixed nuts? Or assorted cashews?’ Then they both start doing that horrible ‘ha ha Ha HA’ mad-dictator-world-domination laugh.

The scene changes. It is the crack of dawn. The preciouses are still tucked into their beds, dreaming of the enormous Easter eggs to come. I am downstairs, thinking of eggs of quite a different type. Thanks to dear Potty Mummy, I am now fully clued-up on the Pantry Moth, a dastardly beast that will scoff your flour as soon as look at you, and dump its larvae all over your breakfast cereal. At least I’m not dealing with panty moths, I suppose. My weapons, as suggested by sweet Nunhead Mum of One, are my trusty vacuum and a multitude of cleaning sprays. Unfortunately, I’ve just finished my last drop of lovely Illicit Bang, and am down to the stuff I bought before I discovered it, like Sainsbury’s multi-purpose kitchen spray (v dull) or my latest, slightly disappointing acquisition, Mr Muscle Frozen Lime and Vinegar. Hm, now why on earth is it that I am strangely drawn to cleaning products with a whiff of sex or masculinity about them? I just can’t think ……Anyway, NMO has recommended using something with bleach. I don’t know what Mr Muscle has in him, but I fear it’s not bleach and it’s certainly not frozen limes. Oh well, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

I fling open all the cupboard doors. Nothing stirs. And then, the faintest flicker of a wing. It’s mayhem for an hour. I am completely sickened by the knowledge that my children have probably been ingesting moth larvae along with their cornflakes for months. Finally, I subside into a chair as Child One and Two troop into the kitchen. ‘What’s for breakfast, Mummy?’ they ask. ‘Er,’ I say, scanning the bare – but incredibly clean and shiny – shelves. ‘How about some nice….. yoghurt?’

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  • Potty Mummy March 10, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    DD, I salute you. (And I sincerely hope it was pantry moths and that you got all the little bxstxrds). Loved your imagined scene with Mr X and the moth, by the way. Still giggling…

  • DulwichDivorcee March 11, 2008 at 3:48 am

    Dear PM, you are a veritable tower of strength. No flutters yet from the cupboard, but the day is yet young. And that was no imaginary scene with Mr X, that was true life documentary ……pretty much! x

  • Potty Mummy March 11, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    I’ve added you to my blogroll, I hope that’s OK?

  • DulwichDivorcee March 12, 2008 at 6:21 am

    Dear PM, I am most honoured. By the way, have you tried the new Calpol melty tablets with your feverish boys? They seem to work v quickly. Of course, Abroad, they were all mad keen on paracetemol suppositories for little ones, but let’s not go there ….hope they’re better soon.

  • Potty Mummy March 12, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Suppositories? I don’t go there either. Of course Husband, being Dutch, thinks I’m crazy and that they’re absolutely normal. OK then – you do it, I say.

    Clearly, we don’t use them.

  • Nunhead Mum of One March 12, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    Am so pleased the horrors have finally gone……..please don’t torture yourself with thinking about what you’ve all been eating but, on the good side, if it’s put you off buying any muesli ever again then…..

  • DulwichDivorcee March 13, 2008 at 2:30 am

    Dear PM, you are so right. My best friend Abroad had lovely long acrylic nails and children with a wary look in their eyes… lucky to have a Dutch husband, I’ve always liked them.
    Dear NMO, how right you are, I only had to buy a packet of high fibre, low fat muesli yesterday for there to be another outbreak. It’s Pop Tarts for me from now on.