Office life

March 20, 2009

Being back in an office has been a revelation. I had no idea, for instance, that people still made instant coffee! And my lovely co-workers can be such a giggle. The Comic Relief poster by the coffee machine, sporting the grinning chops of the lady who used to do Big Brother, was carefully annotated by one wag: ‘Do something funny for NO money – work here!’. My, how we all chortled.

There are, however, some colleagues who are a tiny bit harder to get on with than others. That’s why the dear, kind management has come up with this very helpful memorandum:

Staff Warning – Swearing at Work

Dear Employees

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to express your feelings accurately when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don’t have a @***ing clue, do you?
Try Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She’s a @***ing power-crazy b*tch
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the @*** do you expect me to do this?
Try Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of:
@*** off @*se- hole
Try Saying:
Instead Of:
Well @*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a @***.
Try Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my @***ing problem.
Try Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead Of:
What the @***?
Try Saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No @***ing chance mate.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the @*** didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
Try Saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He’s got his head up his @***ing a*se.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, @*** face.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Ins tead Of:
Yeah, who needs @***ing holidays anyway.
Try Saying:
I don’t think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the @**k-up fairy has visited again then
Try Saying:
Sorry – I didn’t quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the @**k are you wittering on about this time ?
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock
Try Saying:
Do you think that’s appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the @**king state of that ? ‘>
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I’d give that a while
Try Saying:
He’s / she’s quite attractive
Instead Of:
I’d do it
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He’s so @**king boring, I am losing the will to live
Try Saying:
It’s so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don’t you all just shut the @**k up

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  • marriedwithfour March 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Said a few of those in my time – what fun to be back in an office again. I laughed my way through this post and nearly choked on my Green & Blacks!

  • Not Waving but Drowning March 21, 2009 at 2:15 am



  • rosiescribble March 21, 2009 at 11:00 am

    I’d say Bollocks! to that!!!

    (Gosh, can I really post that on a blog? You may want to edit it out DD!!)

  • Jennysmith March 21, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Great post. You relied on swearing in my office. Mind you that was in the nineties – or should i say the Naughty Nineties?


  • rosiero March 22, 2009 at 4:46 am

    And there was me thinking I might try going back to work!!

  • DulwichDivorcee March 22, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Oooh, Green and Blacks, mmm, must go and get some, not that I’m easily led you understand, MW4!
    Thank you Waving, all based on strict observation of course! Rosiescribble, you are a one!! Hi Jennysmith, yes, it was a revelation how much things have changed, health and safety all over everything these days, Rosiero, go for it, don’t be put off by the polyester x

  • splodge March 25, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Hilarious! We never used bad language back in the day when I was office-bound.

  • tartetartan March 31, 2009 at 11:13 am

    Excellent. Have taken notes and will incorporate some of these pharases into my business english course. My students will love them. xx

  • tartetartan March 31, 2009 at 11:17 am

    pharases??? an english teacher who can’t spell….or type! help.