Slipping through my fingers

June 12, 2009

I have the loveliest Fridays in the world. I drop the cherubs at school, walk round the park with a friend, have an art lesson, then go on to Pilates. Today I also had a mummy’s lunch with three friends.

So why did I wake up in tears?

It was partly that, in a dream, I conjured up a little dress that Child Two used to wear when she was about 2 and a half (my favourite age). It was a beautiful little pinafore dress, in soft corduroy, in a shade of celestial blue so gorgeous I’ve never found before or since. On the front it had ‘In the Garden’ embroidered in navy with two little flowers. She looked adorable in it.

Seeing that dress again in a dream chimed with a beautiful recent post by Rosiero about her daughter, Kay, having her last day at school, which she tied in with the song Slipping Through My Fingers from Mamma Mia. I deliberately didn’t watch the clip, knowing I would end up in tears, but the mood of melancholy seeped into me anyway. My little girl in the blue dress is lost forever, now a different person and on the brink of adolescence. That would always have been the case, no matter what happened between X and me, but I have ripped up so much of my own volition that now, I cannot share my memories of that little girl in the blue dress with anyone.

Another part of my dream featured a single friend, who often joins me and the girls on outings, who this time went into the most spectacular strop at having to watch their ballroom dancing lesson. Another friend, who has Way Too Much therapy, says that in a dream, all the characters are, in fact, representations of yourself. Was I projecting my own boredom at watching the children’s lessons? Actually, I really enjoy going to all their dancing classes as I chat relentlessly with other mummy friends, but it made me wonder.

All week, I have had ridiculous, unfounded nagging worries about leaving the iron on/front door open/side gate unlatched. At Pilates, the teacher asked me if I was stressed as my shoulders were up by my ears. Another friend brought up the question of Scarlet Women and I spent a long time berating myself for my actions three years ago – though I do tell myself there were mitigating circumstances. Then I discovered today I had made a really stupid mistake in an article (sorry, Linda!!). Not something I would normally do.

What is going on? Am I sliding down into depression again (I am usually the last to know)? Or is it just the guilt? I think I need a holiday. And not, I suspect, the nine-week, school-free stretch looming ahead. Or, maybe, just maybe, I should stop being so self-indulgent, pull myself together and count my many, many blessings more thoroughly this time

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  • Exmoorjane June 12, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Oh honey…so totally understand this one. I had a dream a few days ago that stayed with me for two whole days, casting a pall of melancholia over everything. I do believe that characters in dreams are parts of ourselves. I'd be more inclined to think that the friend is standing in for your shadow and that there is a part of you that just wants to scream and yell at the loss of childhood and innocence (both your childrens' and your own)….. or is that really crap?
    Hmm, I do think we need that drink….or that holiday. heck, bring on the next Disney is all I can say…
    Big hug. Janexxx

  • Linda June 12, 2009 at 11:15 am

    Hello, for one you don't have to apologise to me – so you made a bit of an oversight in a piece you were kind enough to submit FOR NO MONEY which read beautifully – so what? That doesn't matter a jot.

    But you do need to be kinder to yourself, I can't believe how lucky I was to meet you, Jane, Becky, Lulu, Erica and Laura and to spend that time together.

    I hope you can get some good rest and take some time for you. I know that the many people who admire you and your wonderful blog will be around to also tell you what a shining star you are, so I'll move along.

    But there's nothing 'self indulgent' about feeling a bit down or stressed – look at everything you do each day for other people.

    Take care of yourself and much love to the classiest lady I've met – but then I am from Cannock. xx

  • Littlemummy June 12, 2009 at 11:32 am

    You're carrying a great burden with you, so much has happened, give yourself a break. I like to hug Erin when she's sleeping when I feel like this 🙂

    Look after yourself

    Erica X

  • English Mum June 12, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Lovely lady, every person and circumstance is different and although it's easy to make blanket statements (with no particular person in mind), nobody can look back upon their life without a certain amount of regret and/or longing clouding the view (though I do also recall some clever bod once saying that you should only look back if that is the direction in which you wish to travel).

    Once, I dreamt (ridiculously) that I was crossing a difficult mountain path with my youngest child as a toddler; he stumbled and although I tried to hold onto his hand he fell over the edge, down and down until I could no longer see him. I can remember the feeling of watching him fall as though it were yesterday. I woke up with such guilt and distress that it stayed with me for weeks, trying to work out why I would dream things that upset me so much. Our subconscious can be so cruel.

    Linda's right, you need to be kinder to yourself. Sometimes, stuck here in rural arse-end-of-nowhere-ville, I yearn for a mojito and a giggle with you all to make everything better. Pour yourself a large one eh? xx

  • dulwich divorcee June 12, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    EJ, Linda, LM and EM – thanks, you guys, I'm really touched. The only thing that's stopping me from doing major snivelling now is the image of Craig The Incredibly Crap Barman mixing slo-mo mohitos for us and saying, 'did you catch that?' xxxxx

  • Perfectly Happy Mum June 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Big hugs over to you! And yes you can be self indulgent at times, it happens to all of us to sit down and reflect and it can even be very positive. On one hand like you said you can count all your blessings, on the other hand you can figure out what is not working too well and it helps making the decisions to change.
    When self indulgent becomes self pity you need to start thinking differently.
    BTW that slipping through my fingers song gets me each time and I have boys so no daughter to relate to, what would it be otherwise! :0)
    Take care x

  • family affairs June 12, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Good to see that it's the Disney 7 to the comment rescue – we need to get away and re-group. It's all going wrong. Big american ((((((hugs))))))) Lxxx

  • gaelikaa June 13, 2009 at 4:28 am

    Move on, DD, just shed a few tears & move on. Better times are ahead……

  • rosiero June 13, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Sounds as though you are stressed, my dear, what with nightmares and maudlin thoughts and shoulders up to your ears. My advice….

    1.Make the most of your little cherubs while you still can. Savour every minute.

    2. Find the nearest Dulwich massage parlour for a little self-indulgence, followed by a night in with a good DVD and a mountain of chocolate peanuts. Dr Rosiero has spoken!!

  • mumplustwo June 14, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Have just visited your bog for the first time. I think you write beautifully. Can really relate to what you are feeling right now and just wanted to say: you are not alone. All strength to you.

  • mumplustwo June 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Oh dear, what a blunder … of course, I meant to say 'blog' !!!

  • dulwich divorcee June 15, 2009 at 4:29 am

    PHM, thanks, you are right, I need to have a good look at changes to make ….

    Lulu, thanks for the ((((hugs!))))

    G, yep, up and at 'em!

    Dr Rosiero, I took your prescription for choc peanuts, trousers rather snug now but definitely happier ….hope it was a repeat prescription!

    Thanks, MPT, for the lovely comment and the accidental laugh! Will pop over chez toi when I've eaten all the chocolate peanuts ….

  • Milla June 15, 2009 at 11:18 am

    don't talk to me about slipping through my fingers! that wretched song is singlemindedly causing just so much damage! Just saying the phrase can prompt a massive breakout of tears! Nostalgia is a cruel beast to which I'm increasingly prone. AND I can't even call on lovely memories of Disney (I'm a "real" friend of Jane's and I can't begin to tell you how bitter and twisted I am!!)

  • Part Mummy Part Me June 15, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Apparently it's the feelings you have in your dreams that are important and the area of life they relate to – not the detail.

    Your subconscious is trying to let you know that you feel X about Y.

    Hope that helps?! I'm still trying to apply that theory to my dream about our vegetable patch being flooded with hot bathwater and me feeling that it was just not worth the effort..where's Jung when you need him.

    Chin up sweetie xx

    P.S. I cried in the cinema when they did the 'Slipping through my fingers' song. So did Ella. Maybe they feel it too – the bittersweet changes in the mother-daughter dynamic

  • Suburbia June 16, 2009 at 10:06 am

    (Just realised I missed this post over the weekend)

    So sorry you are feeling down. Counting blessings is a bloody hard thing to do! Take care of yourself.