The Only Divorcee in the Village

July 7, 2008

There are one or two advantages of being The Only Divorcee in the Village. Well, actually, I can’t think of two, but there is one – I am in great demand as a last minute dinner party stunt guest. Everyone knows that, since my husband got custody of our social life, I am available before a hat has even dropped to make up numbers, should anyone legitimately invited be struck down with botulism at the eleventh hour.

I have many advantages as a stunt guest. I have a full wardrobe of suitably swanky outfits, acquired Abroad and scarcely worn. I know my lobster crackers from my asparagus fork, and rarely, if ever, mistake the finger bowl for a particularly watery chinese soup. And, most importantly, like Red Adair, I can be airlifted into the most dangerous inter-guest situations and get them under control in moments. Marital discord threatening to errupt over the nibbles? No problemmo, I’ve seen it all and I’ve got the injunction. Political differences leading to raised voices over the starter? I can change the conversation quicker than the hostess can change a nappy. Widespread gloom over housing prices casting a pall over the entire proceedings? My amusing tale of how I sold up for peanuts will have everyone enjoying the warming glow of schadenfreude (there, and I always say I know no German!).

A few samples of my recent conversational wares will give you a fuller feel for my suitability for this role. ‘Isn’t it awful about this credit crunch. They say chemists in the city have run out of neurofen, there are so many people taking overdoses. Ah …. you’re in hedge funds, are you?’ ‘It’s always such a shame when children have to leave their schools when the parents can’t afford the fees any more. Oh, so yours are starting at the local comprehensive in September? I’m sure they’ll just love it’.

Is it any wonder that my diary is fully booked until ….oh. But then, it is the holidays, isn’t it?

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  • Lindsay July 7, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Hope you meet Stunt Man soon during your social whirl!

  • DulwichDivorcee July 7, 2008 at 7:19 am

    Oooh, Lindsay, now you’re talking. I see Stunt Man as being a bit Daniel Craig-ish, in a lovely suit …

  • Lindsay July 7, 2008 at 10:30 am

    I think tight swimming trunks would be nice? Colour white – seethrough after a quick dip!

  • goodbyetoallfat July 7, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Very funny post DD — I especially liked your witty scathing credit crunch dinner party repartee !!

  • goodbyetoallfat July 7, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Secondly, DD, there is a very small indirect (no names) reference to you in my blog today — basically talking about bloggers who contact each other.

    A few days an Anonymous person left a rather negative comment that I should “beware” because by blog buddies are not real (that’s it — it’s just a hologram typing your incredibly witty blog — obviously it could not be a real person — ha ha!).

    Anyway, I just thought you might be interested on my explanation in reply to “Anonymous”.

    You don’t have to accept this comment if it would totally DESTROY the illusion!

    Best wishes,

  • DulwichDivorcee July 7, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    My goodness, Lindsay, you’ve got me blushing now …..though you have a point, white would set off Daniel’s fine blue eyes nicely and of course I’m only interested in the colour contrast ….

  • MsCatCalls July 7, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Oh Dulwich Divorcee real or Imaginery you are quite wonderful , except that I never give dinner parties I’d invite you round at the drop of a hat …. I’m more of an afternoon tea or breakfast at the wine bar person ( cheaper really ) but you’d be welcome anytime….

  • DulwichDivorcee July 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    Why thank you, Goodbye, I do cover your area if you’re thinking of throwing a dinner and require only a few hundredweight of puddings….I shall look up your Anonylouse comment forthwith. Honestly, who is she/he kidding?Though I sort of like the idea that, in fact, a team of writers are putting this together ….nope, checked under the desk and it’s just me I’m afraid.

  • DulwichDivorcee July 7, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Ms CC, you are so sweet – but I think you are safe, as you know I cannot leave Dulwich without feeling physical pain. If you’re ever in the Village, though ….

  • Potty Mummy July 9, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    ‘Stunt Guest’. You know, maybe you should get some cards printed up with that on. I think there may be a lucrative business opportunity here, DD. Assuming you could bring yourself to go outside the confines of the Village, of course…

  • DulwichDivorcee July 10, 2008 at 2:19 am

    Well, you’ve put your dainty finger on it there, PM. How could I ever leave the Village? Luckily, there’s a dinner party going on behind every front door on a Saturday night ….if only I could get in!

  • Hadriana's Treasures July 16, 2008 at 10:14 am

    Hi DD, I’ve heard about you alot and have finally got round to reading you. After having worked in The City for 10 years – love the credit crunch stuff. Despite having been in The Big Smoke for 15years or so…I have not got a big, fat hedge fund stuffed away (Sigh). Will be reading you again and will blogroll you. Cheerie Bye.

  • DulwichDivorcee July 17, 2008 at 3:31 am

    Dear Hadriana, for a madcap moment I thought you were a rich boy banker ready to take me away from all this …then read your lovely blog and realise you are away from it all already! Thanks for popping in and hope to see you soon, DD

  • Motherhood The Final Frontier February 2, 2009 at 2:36 am

    Husband was singing “I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m an unemployed broker” only this morning. Perhaps you could crack that out as a party piece.
    BTW he’s German so that counts as doubly hilarious (he cracked a funny!) and he can translate your book for me. Well done.